Thursday, July 21, 2011

I Lie

I present a cheerful face here on the blog. It's often a lie (of omission).

I worry; I worry a lot. I worry about money, I worry about my health, I worry about the state of the world.

And while I am truly grateful that I have some money (and I am not near to being homeless) and I am truly grateful I have generally good health (aside from arthritis (not a small concern), and I am getting older)); I worry because I am one of the thousands of people with out health insurance. I could buy some—but—the cost of it, would have me homeless in a year or two.

Every once in a while, I get really worried. I have a bad day.

And it's not just worry that I lie about. I am really just not that cheerful. I think by nature I am negative –For certain, depression (real clinical depression, and the 'normal' blues) has been a part of my life since I was a child. I work hard at being up—not for you--(well maybe a little bit for you, my reader)--but for me. I want to be happy, I work at being happy. If I put half the effort I into being thin as I do to being happy, I'd be as thin as a rail (and not a big as house). I value happiness more--and it shows!

Yesterday—I didn't post. My efforts to be cheerful and upbeat were stymied by heat, and pain, and lack of sleep.

Thank you, dear Virgina, for your concern—I have not one, but TWO shopping malls near by. I have been known to loiter in Sears, or Marshall's and Bed, Bath and Beyond on hot, hot day. Relaxing in there A/C for a few hours(for the past 10 years). Now my options extend to Kohl, Century 21, and (a favorite) Panera's where I can treat myself to a coffee and a danish and loiter for hours, in cool comfort (and have done so a few times this summer with friends.) I recently acquired a $25 gift card—so it's a special treat (free!)

What I haven't done in the past 48 hours is knit. Its partly the heat, that drains all my energy. I know, and I am thankful, (and feel for) all my friends (real and cyber friends) how much worse it is in the mid west.

90° is awful (NYC)-- 99° and triple digit temperatures in places like Minneapolis and Chicago are worse.

Yesterday I contributed to the heat—and was running a low fever (101°) and ached all over—every joint in my body was in pain. The pool helped a bit (but then I got chills!) and sleep finally came and that helped a lot, and here I am, feeling better, all most cheerful, and nothing to report about knitting.
Oh, but I do have some (phone) photos of the pool—I hope the clear blue water makes you feel a bit cooler.

I took these Tuesday, a few minutes after the pool closed. There is a 15 minute grace period- when the pool (water) is closed but the pool deck is still open. I always think a pool look best with out people--the cool, still water beckons all the more.

In the back of the first image, is Gino--the pool manager. (A bit of a hunk) The white shed like structures enclose roof top A/C units for the space (below the deck ) which is commercial units.


Judy said...

Sitting here nodding my head in understanding about the depression. It's the pits and a full time struggle to keep at bay. Like you if I could use some of the energy I use to keep depression at bay for weight loss I would be at a normal weight.

As someone from Kansas, (triple digits until sometime next week and then it's suppose to cool down 10 degrees. Ha! Thank God, the humidity is down, though.) I would suggest you get an A/C for one room in your apartment so you can have a cool place to sleep. You will feel so much better. We set the thermostat at 78 so the shock of going outside isn't too great but still cool enough to be comfortable inside.

Hang in there!

Marciepooh said...

I'm sorry your efforts to be up failed yesterday. I understand how hard it can be. The heat has been awful all over lately, and it's particularly bad where people don't all have AC (like NYC, Chicago, Minneapolis...). I feel for all y'all.

The real reason I'm commenting is the pool pictures. I can't agree more that an empty pool is the most inviting thing ever. When I was in college I would park just past the university's outdoor pool (now gone, boo). It was never empty when I was heading home. But walking past early morning or even a few days after it closed in the fall (still HOT weather) would make me want to drop my books, climb the fence, and dive in. Long slow strokes down it's pristine lanes - heavenly thoughts. More than a few days after it closed the water would start looking decidedly green and it was no longer inviting. ;)

Thank you for your lovely knitting posts. And I hope you're feeling better, at least a little, soon.

random Cindy said...

Thank you for your honesty. I think we all hide negative things from the people we care about. It's even easier to do so online where people can't see your face or hear your voice. I wish you the best, I enjoy reading your blog and I appreciate your determination to keep your spirits up.

zippiknits.....sometimes said...

Sorry you were not feeling well but glad that you are now feeling better. I'm not anywhere near as cheerful as I once was.

I few years ago, I semi-jokingly told my doctor that I was an optimist, but that I was a depressed optimist; we both laughed. I see my job now as being that I have to separate the silly arse tug of war that is politics, which infects our lives from bottom to top, and the rest of my life which is very blessed and happy.

Thank for piccies of the pool It looks wonderful! I did enjoy the coolness of it.